At some point in your life you have likely been prescribed some sort of medicine – modern miracles for whatever ails you that are conveniently available at the local pharmacy. Once you have received the prescription, there are many methods in which the active ingredients can be delivered – pills, drops, creams, sprays, soakings, inhalants, and for those less fortunate, suppositories (to name a few). A particularly interesting method of delivery is the syringe. Coming in various sizes they are made of plastic or glass and hold liquids. Some have the added bonus of an uncomfortable hypodermic surprise. To use the device, one simply inserts the open, front end into the liquid and pulls back on the rear plunger. Then, like magic, whatever is on the other side of the opening is pulled by vacuum action into an empty chamber. It is a simple, but effective, design. As I was given my yearly flu shot, I found myself admiring this modern marvel and also found myself reviewing the similarities between the syringe’s action and how certain unhelpful communication dynamics play-out in relationships.
Imagine a couple attempting to manage an all-too-familiar conflict in the relationship. The clash could be over finances, vacation plans, or how best to handle a parenting challenge. This disagreement has been had before, perhaps more than once. One partner wants to have the conversation (most likely the partner initiating the dialogue) and the other partner gets upset by the topic as well as with the way it’s being presented. The upset partner seeks to avoid the disagreement and, feeling hopeless about a positive outcome, ‘withdraws’ from the process. Perhaps the withdrawal is obvious, such as leaving the room or even the house, or maybe it is more subtle, such as emotionally ‘shutting down’ and disengaging from the discussion.
Now, imagine the plunger in a syringe pulling back and you will begin to see a similarity. The other partner is left feeling abandoned and may continue with the disagreement in their own mind, adding in all the negative/undesirable qualities and characteristics of the withdrawn partner. In their abandoned state, that partner may also fear the ending of the relationship, even saying out-loud something like “well, we should just break up then!” or “I want a divorce!” These words are extreme and likely hurtful when said to the other person in the heat of such a moment. What has happened is that just under the surface of the relationship lay anxieties and uncertainties about the relationship.
Once the “plunger” withdrew, it pulled into the vacuum what was just below the surface – unprocessed fear, anxiety, paranoia, and blame. The mechanism of withdrawing actively pulls out the worst fears and deepest resentments in the abandoned partner, filling up the empty chamber with even more hurt. If that hurt and disappointment remains unresolved, when the withdrawn partner re-engages in the relationship, it effectively pushes all that hurt, fear, paranoia, and upset back down below the surface, only to be pulled out again the next time the “plunger” is withdrawn. This repetitive cycle also leads one or more partners to ask “what’s the point of trying?”
The journey towards relationship fulfillment asks us to confront conflicts with courage and consideration. It is natural for many individuals to avoid conflict in relationships or lash out when feeling abandoned, either out of fear or hopelessness. To continue along the path of valuing relationship wholeness and righting injustice (real and/or perceived), efforts must be made to correct those unhelpful ways of communicating. The following are a few tips that couple’s have reported as being helpful in resolving this unhelpful dynamic of emotional escape and abandonment:
Make the relationship your priority. Withdrawing from conflict may feel like the only way to “win” a disagreement. Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.
Focus on the present. If you’re holding on to old hurts and resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Resist the “vacuum pull” to fill the empty space with old hurts and blame. They are a product of fear and paranoia. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.
Share your feelings. Even if you can’t readily identify what you’re feeling in the moment, say something. Some couples find it helpful even when the withdrawing partner states “I don’t know what to say or what I’m feeling right now and I need a moment (or ten) to figure it out.” If you can identify your feelings, take the risk to share it. It is more difficult to maintain a disagreement when feelings replace the criticism and blame.
Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Criticisms or threats of ending the relationship out of anger and fear are unhealthy ways of dealing with the emptiness. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.
Commit to trying out these alternative ways of interacting in a disagreement and you may find that what was once “bad medicine” can soon become a healing balm in your relationship. .