At some point in your life you have likely been prescribed some sort of medicine – modern miracles for whatever ails you that are conveniently available at the local pharmacy. Once you have received the prescription, there are many methods in which the active ingredients can be delivered – pills, drops, creams, sprays, soakings, inhalants, and for those less fortunate, suppositories (to name a few). A particularly interesting method of delivery is the syringe. Coming in various sizes they are made of plastic or glass and hold liquids. Some have the added bonus of an uncomfortable hypodermic surprise. To use the device, one simply inserts the open, front end into the liquid and pulls back on the rear plunger. Then, like magic, whatever is on the other side of the opening is pulled by vacuum action into an empty chamber. It is a simple, but effective, design. As I was given my yearly flu shot, I found myself admiring this modern marvel and also found myself reviewing the similarities between the syringe’s action and how certain unhelpful communication dynamics play-out in relationships.
Imagine a couple attempting to manage an all-too-familiar conflict in the relationship. The clash could be over finances, vacation plans, or how best to handle a parenting challenge. This disagreement has been had before, perhaps more than once. One partner wants to have the conversation (most likely the partner initiating the dialogue) and the other partner gets upset by the topic as well as with the way it’s being presented. The upset partner seeks to avoid the disagreement and, feeling hopeless about a positive outcome, ‘withdraws’ from the process. Perhaps the withdrawal is obvious, such as leaving the room or even the house, or maybe it is more subtle, such as emotionally ‘shutting down’ and disengaging from the discussion.
Now, imagine the plunger in a syringe pulling back and you will begin to see a similarity. The other partner is left feeling abandoned and may continue with the disagreement in their own mind, adding in all the negative/undesirable qualities and characteristics of the withdrawn partner. In their abandoned state, that partner may also fear the ending of the relationship, even saying out-loud something like “well, we should just break up then!” or “I want a divorce!” These words are extreme and likely hurtful when said to the other person in the heat of such a moment. What has happened is that just under the surface of the relationship lay anxieties and uncertainties about the relationship.
Once the “plunger” withdrew, it pulled into the vacuum what was just below the surface – unprocessed fear, anxiety, paranoia, and blame. The mechanism of withdrawing actively pulls out the worst fears and deepest resentments in the abandoned partner, filling up the empty chamber with even more hurt. If that hurt and disappointment remains unresolved, when the withdrawn partner re-engages in the relationship, it effectively pushes all that hurt, fear, paranoia, and upset back down below the surface, only to be pulled out again the next time the “plunger” is withdrawn. This repetitive cycle also leads one or more partners to ask “what’s the point of trying?”
The journey towards relationship fulfillment asks us to confront conflicts with courage and consideration. It is natural for many individuals to avoid conflict in relationships or lash out when feeling abandoned, either out of fear or hopelessness. To continue along the path of valuing relationship wholeness and righting injustice (real and/or perceived), efforts must be made to correct those unhelpful ways of communicating. The following are a few tips that couple’s have reported as being helpful in resolving this unhelpful dynamic of emotional escape and abandonment:
Make the relationship your priority. Withdrawing from conflict may feel like the only way to “win” a disagreement. Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.
Focus on the present. If you’re holding on to old hurts and resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Resist the “vacuum pull” to fill the empty space with old hurts and blame. They are a product of fear and paranoia. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.
Share your feelings. Even if you can’t readily identify what you’re feeling in the moment, say something. Some couples find it helpful even when the withdrawing partner states “I don’t know what to say or what I’m feeling right now and I need a moment (or ten) to figure it out.” If you can identify your feelings, take the risk to share it. It is more difficult to maintain a disagreement when feelings replace the criticism and blame.
Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Criticisms or threats of ending the relationship out of anger and fear are unhealthy ways of dealing with the emptiness. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.
Commit to trying out these alternative ways of interacting in a disagreement and you may find that what was once “bad medicine” can soon become a healing balm in your relationship. .

This article was authored by Denise Morrison Yearin and features quotes from Thomas Wood.

Nagging can become an unconscious tendency that builds a barrier of frustration and resentment in a relationship. To nip the habit, experts suggest couples figure out what prompts nagging and work toward open communication.
That’s what Angela Zinetti of Georgetown and her husband, Dean, have done. "One thing I’ve found helpful is to time my requests right," says Zinetti. "Dean works the late shift, so when he comes in at 11 or 12, I just let him unwind. If something does need to be done, I’ll write it down so we can talk about it the next day." Good idea, says Wilmington psychologist David Mandelbaum.
"Couples need to understand their partner well enough to know when he or she is receptive – and that may not be when the other has just gotten home from work or is distracted by some other means. But it goes two ways. If the request comes at an inconvenient time, the other needs to state that at the outset: ‘I want to give you my undivided attention but this is not a good time. Is it critical to discuss this right now? If not, can we do it later?’ Then set a designated time." You may also want to explain the reason behind a request.
Us " e assertive or ‘I’ statements to address why the request is being made: ‘I need this done because…,’" says Thomas Wood, a social worker with Council for Relationships in Concordville, Pa. "If people understand there is backing to the request, they may be more likely to move into action." Melanie Galbraith of Townsend has found this to be true.
"Some things, such as loading the dishwasher or taking out the trash, don’t necessarily need explanations, but other things do," says Galbraith, who has been married three years. "Not long ago I noticed the basement smelled bad because our dogs stay there while we’re at work. So I said, ‘Kevin, would you mind cleaning the basement? My nose is supersensitive and it really stinks down there.’ " When a request is made, it can be helpful to paraphrase what you heard the other person say to ensure expectations are clear. Make eye contact too.
"Dean and I have always been good about repeating things back to one another so there are no misunderstandings. But it took a bit longer for me to learn that if my request had several steps, I had to be specific," says Zinetti, who has been married four years. "One time I asked Dean to clean the kitchen floor, not realizing his view of cleaning was different from mine. He just swept, but I wanted it mopped too. So I went back and mopped, then mentioned it to him later so he’d know for next time." Positive words can also help.
"Start your request with an affirmation: ‘You did an awesome job repainting that rocking chair last year. Would you be willing to use those skills on the front porch furniture?’" says Wood. "Don’t demand; this sets the tone for your conversation and can make your partner feel unappreciated. Pick your battles too." Mandelbaum agrees. "You don’t want to make an issue out of everything, so ask yourself, ‘How important is this to me?’ At the same time your partner needs to be upfront about fulfilling the request before agreeing: ‘Do I have time to do this? Do I really want to do it?’ " "One thing Dean really hates to do is clean the [cat] litter box, but when I was pregnant it wasn’t an option, so he did it for me," says Zinetti. "Now I don’t ask unless I absolutely have to." If, after several requests, your partner still hasn’t responded, encourage open communication.
"Rather than copping an attitude, getting upset or nagging, state your feelings in a calm and respectful manner," says Mandelbaum. "Say, ‘I don’t want to nag but this is the third time I’ve asked. Is there something keeping you from following through? Is there anything I can do to help you keep this commitment?’ This gets to the root of the problem while offering your partner a solution."
Wood agrees. "If you are past the point of irritation, it’s better to be honest about your feelings rather than repeat your original request in a nagging tone. Say, ‘It makes me feel unloved (or disrespected) that you didn’t do…’ Ultimately it’s about being open and working with your spouse to meet each other’s needs."
Equally important, show appreciation when your spouse fulfills a request the first time around.
"When I clean, I set things on the steps that need to go upstairs, and I often have to remind Kevin not to go up empty-handed," Galbraith says. "One day he headed upstairs in the usual manner then stopped, turned around and picked up a few items to take with him. When he came back down I said, ‘Wow, you remembered! Thank you!’ He just looked at me and said, ‘Well, that’s what you asked me to do.’"
QUICK TIPS
Want to kick the nagging habit? Try these suggestions: Time it right. Understand your partner well enough to know when he is receptive. Likewise, if the request is being made at an inconvenient time, your partner needs to say that at the outset: "I want to give you my undivided attention but this is not a good time. Is it critical to discuss this right now?" If not, then designate a set time. Offer reasons. If you explain the reasoning behind a request, your partner may be more motivated to act. Communicate clearly. State your request, giving specific instructions and ask your partner to paraphrase what was said. Make eye contact, too.
Point out the positive. Start your request with an affirmation. "You do such a good job cleaning the bathroom, would you be willing to help out this week?" Avoid using absolutes such as "always" and "never" as this may put your partner on the defense. Don’t demand, either. Pick your battles. If repeated requests have gone unfulfilled, consider your spouse’s weaknesses and dislikes –tasks he may have difficulty with or not enjoy doing. If you see a pattern in certain areas, ask yourself, "How important is this to me? Is it worth making an issue to cause a potential rift in our relationship?" Your partner also needs to be upfront before agreeing to fulfill a request.
Encourage open communication. If repeated requests have been met with inactivity, state your feelings in a calm and respectful manner: "I don’t want to nag but this is the third time I’ve asked. Is there something keeping you from following through? Is there anything I can do to help you?" This gets to the root of the problem while offering your partner a solution. If you are past the point of irritation, it’s better to be honest about your feelings rather than repeat your original request in a nagging tone. Offer appreciation. When a request has been fulfilled, acknowledge and express your appreciation.

If, after several requests, your partner still hasn’t responded, encourage open communication.
"Rather than copping an attitude, getting upset or nagging, state your feelings in a calm and respectful manner," says Mandelbaum. "Say, ‘I don’t want to nag but this is the third time I’ve asked. Is there something keeping you from following through? Is there anything I can do to help you keep this commitment?’ This gets to the root of the problem while offering your partner a solution."
Wood agrees. "If you are past the point of irritation, it’s better to be honest about your feelings rather than repeat your original request in a nagging tone. Say, ‘It makes me feel unloved (or disrespected) that you didn’t do…’ Ultimately it’s about being open and working with your spouse to meet each other’s needs."
Equally important, show appreciation when your spouse fulfills a request the first time around.
"When I clean, I set things on the steps that need to go upstairs, and I often have to remind Kevin not to go up empty-handed," Galbraith says. "One day he headed upstairs in the usual manner then stopped, turned around and picked up a few items to take with him. When he came back down I said, ‘Wow, you remembered! Thank you!’ He just looked at me and said, ‘Well, that’s what you asked me to do.’"
QUICK TIPS
Want to kick the nagging habit? Try these suggestions: Time it right. Understand your partner well enough to know when he is receptive. Likewise, if the request is being made at an inconvenient time, your partner needs to say that at the outset: "I want to give you my undivided attention but this is not a good time. Is it critical to discuss this right now?" If not, then designate a set time. Offer reasons. If you explain the reasoning behind a request, your partner may be more motivated to act. Communicate clearly. State your request, giving specific instructions and ask your partner to paraphrase what was said. Make eye contact, too.
Point out the positive. Start your request with an affirmation. "You do such a good job cleaning the bathroom, would you be willing to help out this week?" Avoid using absolutes such as "always" and "never" as this may put your partner on the defense. Don’t demand, either. Pick your battles. If repeated requests have gone unfulfilled, consider your spouse’s weaknesses and dislikes –tasks he may have difficulty with or not enjoy doing. If you see a pattern in certain areas, ask yourself, "How important is this to me? Is it worth making an issue to cause a potential rift in our relationship?" Your partner also needs to be upfront before agreeing to fulfill a request.
Encourage open communication. If repeated requests have been met with inactivity, state your feelings in a calm and respectful manner: "I don’t want to nag but this is the third time I’ve asked. Is there something keeping you from following through? Is there anything I can do to help you?" This gets to the root of the problem while offering your partner a solution. If you are past the point of irritation, it’s better to be honest about your feelings rather than repeat your original request in a nagging tone. Offer appreciation. When a request has been fulfilled, acknowledge and express your appreciation.