Meme of the Month
Confronting the Internalized Bully
18/02/12 22:53
For those of us who read the news regularly, we remember the recent case of Jamey Rodemeyer, a 14 year old from Buffalo, NY who took his own life after being taunted at school for months. When cases like this come up, we are reminded of the devastating psychological and emotional consequences of bullying behavior. Jamey’s tragic story puts on full display the powerful affect incessant, negative feedback can have on a person. With stories like Jamey’s making headlines, bullying in institutions is becoming increasingly addressed at individual and social levels. However, what can go unnoticed and sometimes undetected is internalized bullying thoughts. Each of us, when we are at our worst, are plagued by self-attacking cognitions that make us view ourselves in a negative light.
These self-critical thoughts beat up on our sense of self and can include the following:
- Compare and despair: Shaming yourself by ranking yourself below others.
- Character Assassinations: Derogatory comments that damage your credibility to yourself
- Unfair labeling: Bad names for yourself that take a notably harsh tone.
- Undeserving commentary: Telling yourself you are unworthy of friends, partners, or family. Can cause isolation and social withdrawal.
A little humility goes a long way. You don’t have to be perfect. In fact, non-one is. Accept and own your flaws and take the power away from them. Aiming for perfection in life is a lost cause because it is different things to different people. Nobody is perfect in the eyes of everyone else, so by trying to be perfect you set yourself up for disappointment and failure. Instead, seek to achieve goals.
Set a few measurable and achievable goals for yourself. Write them down and work towards them and celebrate the small successes on the way towards accomplishing those goals. For example, I worked with a single mother of two adolescent children. This client felt like she was a disappointment to her parents for having pursued nursing instead of a legal career. She set a goal for herself to be more involved with her children. She scheduled a homemade dinner with her kids every week and took that opportunity to tell her own children how proud she was of them. This effort allowed her to focus less on being a disappointment to her own parents (a frequent bullying thought in her life). She was also able to recognize her ability to make good things happen in her own family as well as seeing the positive affects on her children.
Be critical of criticism. When you get internal feedback in your mind that sounds self-critical, ask yourself “where is the proof that is true about me?” or “say’s who?” Examine critical comments as to whether they're true, useful and helpful, your confidence and belief in yourself will rise. Never accept them as true without some thorough consideration. After deep analysis you find the internal criticism has some merit, make a decision to set goals to change what is possible to change or accept what cannot be changed.
Challenge your negative thinking with positive thinking. Try positive thinking on for size. The term “self-fulfilling prophecy” in relation to self-esteem basically states that whatever you believe about you, whether it be perfect or totally off base, becomes true. If you constantly tell yourself you are stupid or that you will never achieve success, you will in turn act as such. So, make a habit out of saying positive things about yourself and use the self-fulfilling prophecy to your advantage. When critical, bullying thoughts show up, counteract them with positive, affirming thoughts like “I am good enough as I am”, or “I am loved by the people who matter.” Get creative and design positive thoughts around what makes you feel most unsure of yourself.
While bullying is never ok, we can’t decry it in our society and allow it in our own lives. The first step is to identify it and then take an active stance against bullying, critical thoughts in empowered ways to rebuild self-regard in your life.