Revitalizing Your Relationship Rituals
Imagine with me, if you will, the life of a relationship. Perhaps this relationship is fairly new – less than one year – or maybe it is more long term. Each partner cares deeply for the other, and truly wants to keep the spark alive between them. Without knowing exactly what to do to keep the intimate energy flowing, these partners chooses to “take things as they come” – meaning that they don’t go out of their way to enhance the relationship. This could happen because they are afraid to fail, don’t want to “rock the boat,” or it could even be that they don’t feel creative enough to inject their relationship with regular bursts of novelty. This couple continues along at status quo, sort of operating on auto-pilot. Not really hitting a wall, but never really climbing any mountains either. Now, imagine a major crisis occurs within the relationship (a sick mother-in-law needs to move in for indefinite caretaking, a partner has an affair, one partner contracts a serious illness, the primary bread-winner gets laid off, etc.). In a relationship with little energy left, the temptation to “abandon ship” can be overwhelming, causing even some of the most loyal or committed to risk the open ocean alone rather than to continue drifting along. Even without crisis to drain the last bits of energy, the relationship described here also runs the danger of simply losing steam and puttering to a stagnant halt. With no new energy input, the relationship can only run on fumes for so long before a loss of interest is experienced. A person in this type of relationship may not even be aware that the tank is on empty, but they will certainly wonder where their joy in life has gone.
Even though the temperature outside is steadily dropping as winter creeps in, try to imagine a large empty jug in the hot sun. There is only a small amount of water available each day to add to the jug so careful thought has to be put into conserving the precious resource. Into this jug goes a steady drip of water – not enough to fill the jug before evaporating, but enough to keep a small pool at the bottom. Occasionally, there are teaspoon-fulls of water poured in and, even less often, tablespoon-fulls of water. On an even rarer occasions, an entire cup of water is dumped in. Eventually this jug fills to the top. Maybe, at times, it even overflows! There is plenty to drink and no one is left parched in the hot sun.
Intentionally invested energy is the life-blood of relationships. Like the water in the analogy above, this energy may be limited, but it can be conserved as a precious resource that will certainly come in handy when things get “heated.” Think of the many different ways and rituals we rely on to energize ourselves so that we are better equipped to handle the many stressors life sends our way. We practice deep breathing to ease stress, we take showers to ensure good hygiene, we check that the door is locked behind us to relieve a concerned mind, we attend church to nurture our spirit. The list could go on and on to include the many small, medium, and large-scale ways in which we work to provide safety, security, relaxation, and fulfillment for ourselves. Our relationships require the same replenishing attention in small, medium, and large doses. A simple tool I often give my clients to begin the process of rejuvenating their relationship with energy and life is the “DWMY” list. How this works is that each partner separately creates a list of rituals or tasks that they are certain they can commit to on a daily (D), weekly (W), monthly (M), and yearly (Y) basis. It is important to only include those rituals that can be reasonably done every day, week, month, or year for at least 6 months as the effects take at least that amount of time to be felt. Some of these rituals have included a passionate kiss every day, a “date night” every week, a night of intimacy every month, and a celebration of the relationship every year. These are just a few ideas but it is up to you and your partner to create your own rituals that you both feel will enhance and energize your relationship for lasting life and strength in times of trial. In time you will find that with daily drops, weekly teaspoon-fulls, monthly tablespoon-fulls, and yearly cups of invested energy, you will have the relationship that sails smoothly through the storms.
Lasting Limerence in Long-Term Relationships
Have you ever heard someone in a relationship say, “I just don’t feel the same way about them as I used to.” Perhaps you’ve said or thought about it yourself. This feeling usually refers to a sense of decline in romantic longing for and rewarding satisfaction with one’s partner. Typically, people in this phase of the relationship experience this decline as a loss. At this point, hope in the possibility of a lasting relationship may begin to fade. Our lives are bombarded with scenes of fiery passion, images of people making drastic relationship choices, and stories about people falling madly in love. It seems only natural that one would feel a relationship might not be “right” for them if all those elements are gone or have somewhat dimmed. However, while the popular focus may be on the beginning, infatuation stages of the relationship, the possibility for lasting, secure hope may lie further down the road.
To better explain this, let me briefly introduce you to the bio-chemical process of falling in love. “Limerence” is a term often used to describe the early stages of romantic infatuation and can last anywhere from 6 up to 18 months. Limerence is somewhat different for every person who experiences it, but it typically follows a similar trajectory and involves a number of friendly neurotransmitters (specific chemical messengers in our brains). Whether our interest is in finding a relationship or not, we may begin to feel our attention drawn to a certain person and our thoughts may drift to them more frequently than would be naturally expected. Soon after, we begin to feel drawn to that person and experience an irresistible desire to be around them when apart. We also may find that we feel better when around them and that everything in the world (and in our own life) is just fine. If the relationship involves physical intimacy, we also may find ourselves feeling energized and extremely connected. This experience is inescapably connected to a few essential chemicals in our brain that serve a vitally important function in helping us select and bond with our partners. Seratonin (the mood stabilizer) makes us feel grounded and happy with our limerent object while simultaneously causing us to think obsessively about that person when apart; Dopamine (the rewarder) causes us to feel satisfied and fulfilled by merely being in our interest’s presence; Norepinephrine (the enegizer) provides a “high” that can allow us to stay up all night talking and spending time with our potential partner while still feeling refreshed and alert the next day; and finally, Oxytocin (the connector) facilitates strong feelings of attachment. These nuerotransmitters synchronize to facilitate a “pair bond” – an attachment that allows us to identify, through feelings, who might be right for us. Most importantly, this bio-chemical process floods our nervous system and can only be sustained for a short duration (6-18 months) before the increased arousal damages our bodies or severely impairs our ability to function as a productive member of society. This flood of stimulation declines over time and allows us to move away from the bond-ing phase of the relationship into the bond-ed phase, where our thoughts and feelings are free to be applied to more productive areas; such as work, school, family, or scrap-booking perhaps.
What becomes problematic for many individuals in relationships is that “limerence” becomes the litmus test for whether a relationship should be discarded or pursued. When limerent feelings decline, as they naturally do, individuals may feel as though they are “falling out of love” with their partner. What they may not realize is that their body is simply returning to sustainable levels of arousal as a method of self-preservation. There are many messages in society that support the irrational belief that “good” relationships organically sustain high levels of infatuation and passion. If they don’t, well then, why even try?
What is rarely seen or represented in modern images of and messages about relationships is how intentional, strategic investment in a relationship can maintain feelings of limerence or reignite it once it has faded. Limerent feelings provide us with strong feelings of bonding with another person and it becomes our responsibility, as stewards of the relationship, to continue to invest in this bond in ways that allow the bio-chemical aspects of love and infatuation the opportunity to flow. One of the most vitally important strategies for re-deploying your friendly biochemical love messengers is to engage in exciting and novel activities together, as a couple. It has been said before, but here it is again – try new things! The experience of novelty and excitement found in novel activities stimulates the production of the rewarding and energizing chemicals in the brain. Most importantly, feeling this natural chemical stimulation with your partner, whom you care about, provides connection, intimacy, and new levels of bonding that serve as creative energy so vital to healthy relationships. Go rock-climbing, take a course in knitting, get dance lessons. Anything that will shake things up and challenge you both will do wonders for feelings of lost connection.
If you feel as though your relationship is in need of further care and attention beyond what has been offered in this article, it may be helpful to talk with a professional. As a steward of your relationship, seeking professional guidance is a way to honor and invest in what you have been given, as well as a way to find fulfillment and satisfaction.
Keeping The Spark Alive: How to Flirt With Your Long Term Partner
Consider the following scenario: You’ve just walked in and you immediately notice the bar is incredibly crowded. You see a number of friends and acquaintances and make sure to greet them. They tell you how good you look tonight and you wander over to the bar together. As you scan the area, you immediately notice someone who you find irresistible. Riding on the confidence from the earlier compliments, you move closer to this person, hoping that they will catch your eye and when they do, you approach them and say hello. After something funny is said, you touch their arm and they respond with a smile. You ask this person to dance, they say yes, and you both make your way over to the dance floor. As you begin loosening up to the music, you compliment your dance partner on their moves. They know they are a terrible dancer but the affirmation allows them to loosen up as well. Inside, you both are glowing.
This scenario is representative of the farmer’s market experience, where emotional, social, and intimate needs are met by a large number of people. When we enter into long-term relationships, we may expect those needs to be met by our partners and just wait for the benefits to be delivered to our door.
Not everyone has experienced the above scenario, but most of us can relate to that good feeling we get inside when a night out with friends evolves into a potential romance through flirting. However, when we fondly recall scenarios like the one described above, we frequently forget the amount of effort and energy those situations require. We forget the shopping for new outfits, working out to fit into those outfits, getting ready (putting on makeup, gelling up the hair), making/confirming plans with friends, traveling, building up the energy and confidence to approach new people. It’s an exciting and exhausting experience that many people relate to more youthful endeavors that are a common before one “settles down.”
For many people who do “settle down” in long-term relationships after enjoying the nightlife, losing this flirtation outlet can equal the loss of a source of self-esteem – a major component of healthy sexuality. Also, when we partner, there is the risk of putting less energy into flirtation because flirting was just the way to seduce and capture the interest of a potential mate. However, entering into a long-term relationship doesn’t have to equal the death of flirtation. In fact, with the same amount of intention and effort it took during the days of single-hood, your relationship can truly become your single source for that internal glow.
Flirtation is a wonderful tool for creating feelings of being noticed and appreciated. As such, the lack of flirtation or intentional sexy energy in your relationship can create a feeling of being taken for granted. If you feel the erotic charge that flirting brings to relationships is missing in yours, here are a few suggestions that might help you to spark it again:
1. Get Closer to Your Partner
Make an effort to lessen the amount of physical distance between you and your partner. Stand closer to your partner in various situations, including when in the kitchen cooking or doing the dishes. Inch closer when lounging together or watching TV. Employ the highly effective sneak attack and hug your partner from behind whenever you get the chance. If you want to do the most damage with your sneak attack, nuzzle your partner’s neck during the hug.
2. Touch Your Partner
Now that you are getting closer with your partner, make them feel more comfortable with this new proximity through touch. We humans crave physical communication from our loved ones – it’s a basic need. Nothing is more comforting or exciting than that tingle we get from skin-to-skin contact. Smart couples use this tactic to get and send the message of sexual attractiveness. Like the neck-nuzzle hug from behind, use regular brief touches to make your partner feel noticed. Remember, feeling “seen” is a major part of feeling good about ourselves which leads to feeling sexy.
3. Plan to Be Spontaneous
As was mentioned above, we are never sexier than when we feel good about ourselves. Additionally, we are never better partners than when we feel appreciated and noticed by our mates. Every morning, write down one thing you would like to compliment your partner on (eg. their generosity, their cooking, their help around the house, their nice tush, etc.). Then look for any excuse to give that compliment, making your plan to compliment them seem spontaneous. In time and with the appropriate level of affirmation, your partner will begin to feel more sexy and appear sexier to you.
Taken on their own, the techniques offered don’t seem much like flirting. But, if you review the nightclub scenario, you can see that these techniques, when used in combination, closely resemble the flirtation that many might miss from their single days. Just like going out to flirt with new people, flirting with your partner takes effort, intent, and energy and has a huge payoff – feelings of self-esteem, self-confidence, and sexiness. Even if the nightlife is not a major part of your social scene anymore, including flirtation in your relationship can make it the true “one-stop-shop.”