A wise man once said, “‘coitus interruptus’ occurs the first time a man loses his erection and ‘erectile dysfunction’ occurs the first time a man loses his erection twice.” This quote illustrates the destructive nature anticipatory anxiety on a person’s erectile functioning. The initial experience of losing erection is, to say the least, unbalancing. After a long history of taking a sexual response for granted, the loss of such a dependable, physical reaction interferes with the next step in the expected sexual sequence (e.g. going from kissing, to manual, stimulation, to intercourse, etc.). Feelings of confusion, anxiety, and panic are inevitable. In preparation for the next sexual experience, there is a clear memory of the previous lost erection and a subtle fear of an unpredictable penis. Our penises should be ever-ready, rigid rods of steel that spring to life! When they are capricious, semi-soft, sandbags that hang down between our legs, why wouldn’t we be afraid of how our next sexual interlude might turn out? The problem is, being afraid of your sexual performance will inevitably inhibit it. This fear is what creates anticipatory anxiety.
If you are, or have had a partner who is, experiencing this type of frustration, you are not alone. Almost all men will experience losses in erection and many individuals have struggled with the related anticipatory anxiety. Here is a quick, and easy, trick to reassure yourself, and your penis, that sex is nothing to be scared of.
The Stop-Start Technique: With your partner, plan out a time in which you both can set up a sexual scenario. Pick a time in which you are not feeling tired, as fatigue is a prime contributor to inhibition. Designate one partner as the “lead.” The lead will decide when to stop penile stimulation and when to return. This is very important that only one partner have control in the situation as any awkwardness or conflict will only exacerbate the loss of erection. The lead will facilitate penile stimulation to the point of erection, after which the lead will then direct the sexual interaction to something else. This is done to allow the penis to lose it’s erection. After the erection is lost, return to penile stim until erection returns. Do this a few times and then move on to sexual enjoyment (however you see fit).
This technique is helpful because it helps to highlight that erections do, in fact, come and go and that they can, and should, be a natural part of sexual interactions. Physical arousal waxes and wanes, ebbs and flows. It also provides new meaning to soft penises in sexual interludes – they no longer signify the end of a sexual experience, they just represent a good time to “re-adjust” to something else enjoyable until both parties are relaxed enough to return to penile stim. In time, a non-erect penis during sex will come to be less frequently experienced, sometimes expected, and no longer feared.