Imagine with me, if you will, the life of a relationship. Perhaps this relationship is fairly new – less than one year – or maybe it is more long term. Each partner cares deeply for the other, and truly wants to keep the spark alive between them. Without knowing exactly what to do to keep the intimate energy flowing, these partners chooses to “take things as they come” – meaning that they don’t go out of their way to enhance the relationship. This could happen because they are afraid to fail, don’t want to “rock the boat,” or it could even be that they don’t feel creative enough to inject their relationship with regular bursts of novelty. This couple continues along at status quo, sort of operating on auto-pilot. Not really hitting a wall, but never really climbing any mountains either. Now, imagine a major crisis occurs within the relationship (a sick mother-in-law needs to move in for indefinite caretaking, a partner has an affair, one partner contracts a serious illness, the primary bread-winner gets laid off, etc.). In a relationship with little energy left, the temptation to “abandon ship” can be overwhelming, causing even some of the most loyal or committed to risk the open ocean alone rather than to continue drifting along. Even without crisis to drain the last bits of energy, the relationship described here also runs the danger of simply losing steam and puttering to a stagnant halt. With no new energy input, the relationship can only run on fumes for so long before a loss of interest is experienced. A person in this type of relationship may not even be aware that the tank is on empty, but they will certainly wonder where their joy in life has gone.

Even though the temperature outside is steadily dropping as winter creeps in, try to imagine a large empty jug in the hot sun. There is only a small amount of water available each day to add to the jug so careful thought has to be put into conserving the precious resource. Into this jug goes a steady drip of water – not enough to fill the jug before evaporating, but enough to keep a small pool at the bottom. Occasionally, there are teaspoon-fulls of water poured in and, even less often, tablespoon-fulls of water. On an even rarer occasions, an entire cup of water is dumped in. Eventually this jug fills to the top. Maybe, at times, it even overflows! There is plenty to drink and no one is left parched in the hot sun.

Intentionally invested energy is the life-blood of relationships. Like the water in the analogy above, this energy may be limited, but it can be conserved as a precious resource that will certainly come in handy when things get “heated.” Think of the many different ways and rituals we rely on to energize ourselves so that we are better equipped to handle the many stressors life sends our way. We practice deep breathing to ease stress, we take showers to ensure good hygiene, we check that the door is locked behind us to relieve a concerned mind, we attend church to nurture our spirit. The list could go on and on to include the many small, medium, and large-scale ways in which we work to provide safety, security, relaxation, and fulfillment for ourselves. Our relationships require the same replenishing attention in small, medium, and large doses. A simple tool I often give my clients to begin the process of rejuvenating their relationship with energy and life is the “DWMY” list. How this works is that each partner separately creates a list of rituals or tasks that they are certain they can commit to on a daily (D), weekly (W), monthly (M), and yearly (Y) basis. It is important to only include those rituals that can be reasonably done every day, week, month, or year for at least 6 months as the effects take at least that amount of time to be felt. Some of these rituals have included a passionate kiss every day, a “date night” every week, a night of intimacy every month, and a celebration of the relationship every year. These are just a few ideas but it is up to you and your partner to create your own rituals that you both feel will enhance and energize your relationship for lasting life and strength in times of trial. In time you will find that with daily drops, weekly teaspoon-fulls, monthly tablespoon-fulls, and yearly cups of invested energy, you will have the relationship that sails smoothly through the storms.