Lasting Limerence in Long-Term Relationships
18/02/12 17:11 Filed in: Relationship Health
There is a long-standing debate around whether or not we have any control in who we fall in love with. Is falling in love a matter of fate or hard work? Perhaps, the answer lies in our minds, bodies, and hearts.
Have you ever heard someone in a relationship say, “I just don’t feel the same way about them as I used to.” Perhaps you’ve said or thought about it yourself. This feeling usually refers to a sense of decline in romantic longing for and rewarding satisfaction with one’s partner. Typically, people in this phase of the relationship experience this decline as a loss. At this point, hope in the possibility of a lasting relationship may begin to fade. Our lives are bombarded with scenes of fiery passion, images of people making drastic relationship choices, and stories about people falling madly in love. It seems only natural that one would feel a relationship might not be “right” for them if all those elements are gone or have somewhat dimmed. However, while the popular focus may be on the beginning, infatuation stages of the relationship, the possibility for lasting, secure hope may lie further down the road.
To better explain this, let me briefly introduce you to the bio-chemical process of falling in love. “Limerence” is a term often used to describe the early stages of romantic infatuation and can last anywhere from 6 up to 18 months. Limerence is somewhat different for every person who experiences it, but it typically follows a similar trajectory and involves a number of friendly neurotransmitters (specific chemical messengers in our brains). Whether our interest is in finding a relationship or not, we may begin to feel our attention drawn to a certain person and our thoughts may drift to them more frequently than would be naturally expected. Soon after, we begin to feel drawn to that person and experience an irresistible desire to be around them when apart. We also may find that we feel better when around them and that everything in the world (and in our own life) is just fine. If the relationship involves physical intimacy, we also may find ourselves feeling energized and extremely connected. This experience is inescapably connected to a few essential chemicals in our brain that serve a vitally important function in helping us select and bond with our partners. Seratonin (the mood stabilizer) makes us feel grounded and happy with our limerent object while simultaneously causing us to think obsessively about that person when apart; Dopamine (the rewarder) causes us to feel satisfied and fulfilled by merely being in our interest’s presence; Norepinephrine (the enegizer) provides a “high” that can allow us to stay up all night talking and spending time with our potential partner while still feeling refreshed and alert the next day; and finally, Oxytocin (the connector) facilitates strong feelings of attachment. These nuerotransmitters synchronize to facilitate a “pair bond” – an attachment that allows us to identify, through feelings, who might be right for us. Most importantly, this bio-chemical process floods our nervous system and can only be sustained for a short duration (6-18 months) before the increased arousal damages our bodies or severely impairs our ability to function as a productive member of society. This flood of stimulation declines over time and allows us to move away from the bond-ing phase of the relationship into the bond-ed phase, where our thoughts and feelings are free to be applied to more productive areas; such as work, school, family, or scrap-booking perhaps.
What becomes problematic for many individuals in relationships is that “limerence” becomes the litmus test for whether a relationship should be discarded or pursued. When limerent feelings decline, as they naturally do, individuals may feel as though they are “falling out of love” with their partner. What they may not realize is that their body is simply returning to sustainable levels of arousal as a method of self-preservation. There are many messages in society that support the irrational belief that “good” relationships organically sustain high levels of infatuation and passion. If they don’t, well then, why even try?
What is rarely seen or represented in modern images of and messages about relationships is how intentional, strategic investment in a relationship can maintain feelings of limerence or reignite it once it has faded. Limerent feelings provide us with strong feelings of bonding with another person and it becomes our responsibility, as stewards of the relationship, to continue to invest in this bond in ways that allow the bio-chemical aspects of love and infatuation the opportunity to flow. One of the most vitally important strategies for re-deploying your friendly biochemical love messengers is to engage in exciting and novel activities together, as a couple. It has been said before, but here it is again – try new things! The experience of novelty and excitement found in novel activities stimulates the production of the rewarding and energizing chemicals in the brain. Most importantly, feeling this natural chemical stimulation with your partner, whom you care about, provides connection, intimacy, and new levels of bonding that serve as creative energy so vital to healthy relationships. Go rock-climbing, take a course in knitting, get dance lessons. Anything that will shake things up and challenge you both will do wonders for feelings of lost connection.
If you feel as though your relationship is in need of further care and attention beyond what has been offered in this article, it may be helpful to talk with a professional. As a steward of your relationship, seeking professional guidance is a way to honor and invest in what you have been given, as well as a way to find fulfillment and satisfaction.
Have you ever heard someone in a relationship say, “I just don’t feel the same way about them as I used to.” Perhaps you’ve said or thought about it yourself. This feeling usually refers to a sense of decline in romantic longing for and rewarding satisfaction with one’s partner. Typically, people in this phase of the relationship experience this decline as a loss. At this point, hope in the possibility of a lasting relationship may begin to fade. Our lives are bombarded with scenes of fiery passion, images of people making drastic relationship choices, and stories about people falling madly in love. It seems only natural that one would feel a relationship might not be “right” for them if all those elements are gone or have somewhat dimmed. However, while the popular focus may be on the beginning, infatuation stages of the relationship, the possibility for lasting, secure hope may lie further down the road.
To better explain this, let me briefly introduce you to the bio-chemical process of falling in love. “Limerence” is a term often used to describe the early stages of romantic infatuation and can last anywhere from 6 up to 18 months. Limerence is somewhat different for every person who experiences it, but it typically follows a similar trajectory and involves a number of friendly neurotransmitters (specific chemical messengers in our brains). Whether our interest is in finding a relationship or not, we may begin to feel our attention drawn to a certain person and our thoughts may drift to them more frequently than would be naturally expected. Soon after, we begin to feel drawn to that person and experience an irresistible desire to be around them when apart. We also may find that we feel better when around them and that everything in the world (and in our own life) is just fine. If the relationship involves physical intimacy, we also may find ourselves feeling energized and extremely connected. This experience is inescapably connected to a few essential chemicals in our brain that serve a vitally important function in helping us select and bond with our partners. Seratonin (the mood stabilizer) makes us feel grounded and happy with our limerent object while simultaneously causing us to think obsessively about that person when apart; Dopamine (the rewarder) causes us to feel satisfied and fulfilled by merely being in our interest’s presence; Norepinephrine (the enegizer) provides a “high” that can allow us to stay up all night talking and spending time with our potential partner while still feeling refreshed and alert the next day; and finally, Oxytocin (the connector) facilitates strong feelings of attachment. These nuerotransmitters synchronize to facilitate a “pair bond” – an attachment that allows us to identify, through feelings, who might be right for us. Most importantly, this bio-chemical process floods our nervous system and can only be sustained for a short duration (6-18 months) before the increased arousal damages our bodies or severely impairs our ability to function as a productive member of society. This flood of stimulation declines over time and allows us to move away from the bond-ing phase of the relationship into the bond-ed phase, where our thoughts and feelings are free to be applied to more productive areas; such as work, school, family, or scrap-booking perhaps.
What becomes problematic for many individuals in relationships is that “limerence” becomes the litmus test for whether a relationship should be discarded or pursued. When limerent feelings decline, as they naturally do, individuals may feel as though they are “falling out of love” with their partner. What they may not realize is that their body is simply returning to sustainable levels of arousal as a method of self-preservation. There are many messages in society that support the irrational belief that “good” relationships organically sustain high levels of infatuation and passion. If they don’t, well then, why even try?
What is rarely seen or represented in modern images of and messages about relationships is how intentional, strategic investment in a relationship can maintain feelings of limerence or reignite it once it has faded. Limerent feelings provide us with strong feelings of bonding with another person and it becomes our responsibility, as stewards of the relationship, to continue to invest in this bond in ways that allow the bio-chemical aspects of love and infatuation the opportunity to flow. One of the most vitally important strategies for re-deploying your friendly biochemical love messengers is to engage in exciting and novel activities together, as a couple. It has been said before, but here it is again – try new things! The experience of novelty and excitement found in novel activities stimulates the production of the rewarding and energizing chemicals in the brain. Most importantly, feeling this natural chemical stimulation with your partner, whom you care about, provides connection, intimacy, and new levels of bonding that serve as creative energy so vital to healthy relationships. Go rock-climbing, take a course in knitting, get dance lessons. Anything that will shake things up and challenge you both will do wonders for feelings of lost connection.
If you feel as though your relationship is in need of further care and attention beyond what has been offered in this article, it may be helpful to talk with a professional. As a steward of your relationship, seeking professional guidance is a way to honor and invest in what you have been given, as well as a way to find fulfillment and satisfaction.