Confronting the Internalized Bully
For those of us who read the news regularly, we remember the recent case of Jamey Rodemeyer, a 14 year old from Buffalo, NY who took his own life after being taunted at school for months. When cases like this come up, we are reminded of the devastating psychological and emotional consequences of bullying behavior. Jamey’s tragic story puts on full display the powerful affect incessant, negative feedback can have on a person. With stories like Jamey’s making headlines, bullying in institutions is becoming increasingly addressed at individual and social levels. However, what can go unnoticed and sometimes undetected is internalized bullying thoughts. Each of us, when we are at our worst, are plagued by self-attacking cognitions that make us view ourselves in a negative light.
These self-critical thoughts beat up on our sense of self and can include the following:
- Compare and despair: Shaming yourself by ranking yourself below others.
- Character Assassinations: Derogatory comments that damage your credibility to yourself
- Unfair labeling: Bad names for yourself that take a notably harsh tone.
- Undeserving commentary: Telling yourself you are unworthy of friends, partners, or family. Can cause isolation and social withdrawal.
A little humility goes a long way. You don’t have to be perfect. In fact, non-one is. Accept and own your flaws and take the power away from them. Aiming for perfection in life is a lost cause because it is different things to different people. Nobody is perfect in the eyes of everyone else, so by trying to be perfect you set yourself up for disappointment and failure. Instead, seek to achieve goals.
Set a few measurable and achievable goals for yourself. Write them down and work towards them and celebrate the small successes on the way towards accomplishing those goals. For example, I worked with a single mother of two adolescent children. This client felt like she was a disappointment to her parents for having pursued nursing instead of a legal career. She set a goal for herself to be more involved with her children. She scheduled a homemade dinner with her kids every week and took that opportunity to tell her own children how proud she was of them. This effort allowed her to focus less on being a disappointment to her own parents (a frequent bullying thought in her life). She was also able to recognize her ability to make good things happen in her own family as well as seeing the positive affects on her children.
Be critical of criticism. When you get internal feedback in your mind that sounds self-critical, ask yourself “where is the proof that is true about me?” or “say’s who?” Examine critical comments as to whether they're true, useful and helpful, your confidence and belief in yourself will rise. Never accept them as true without some thorough consideration. After deep analysis you find the internal criticism has some merit, make a decision to set goals to change what is possible to change or accept what cannot be changed.
Challenge your negative thinking with positive thinking. Try positive thinking on for size. The term “self-fulfilling prophecy” in relation to self-esteem basically states that whatever you believe about you, whether it be perfect or totally off base, becomes true. If you constantly tell yourself you are stupid or that you will never achieve success, you will in turn act as such. So, make a habit out of saying positive things about yourself and use the self-fulfilling prophecy to your advantage. When critical, bullying thoughts show up, counteract them with positive, affirming thoughts like “I am good enough as I am”, or “I am loved by the people who matter.” Get creative and design positive thoughts around what makes you feel most unsure of yourself.
While bullying is never ok, we can’t decry it in our society and allow it in our own lives. The first step is to identify it and then take an active stance against bullying, critical thoughts in empowered ways to rebuild self-regard in your life.
Stopping (Sexual Fear) and Starting (Sexual Satisfaction)
A wise man once said, “‘coitus interruptus’ occurs the first time a man loses his erection and ‘erectile dysfunction’ occurs the first time a man loses his erection twice.” This quote illustrates the destructive nature anticipatory anxiety on a person’s erectile functioning. The initial experience of losing erection is, to say the least, unbalancing. After a long history of taking a sexual response for granted, the loss of such a dependable, physical reaction interferes with the next step in the expected sexual sequence (e.g. going from kissing, to manual, stimulation, to intercourse, etc.). Feelings of confusion, anxiety, and panic are inevitable. In preparation for the next sexual experience, there is a clear memory of the previous lost erection and a subtle fear of an unpredictable penis. Our penises should be ever-ready, rigid rods of steel that spring to life! When they are capricious, semi-soft, sandbags that hang down between our legs, why wouldn’t we be afraid of how our next sexual interlude might turn out? The problem is, being afraid of your sexual performance will inevitably inhibit it. This fear is what creates anticipatory anxiety.
If you are, or have had a partner who is, experiencing this type of frustration, you are not alone. Almost all men will experience losses in erection and many individuals have struggled with the related anticipatory anxiety. Here is a quick, and easy, trick to reassure yourself, and your penis, that sex is nothing to be scared of.
The Stop-Start Technique:
With your partner, plan out a time in which you both can set up a sexual scenario. Pick a time in which you are not feeling tired, as fatigue is a prime contributor to inhibition. Designate one partner as the “lead.” The lead will decide when to stop penile stimulation and when to return. This is very important that only one partner have control in the situation as any awkwardness or conflict will only exacerbate the loss of erection. The lead will facilitate penile stimulation to the point of erection, after which the lead will then direct the sexual interaction to something else. This is done to allow the penis to lose it’s erection. After the erection is lost, return to penile stim until erection returns. Do this a few times and then move on to sexual enjoyment (however you see fit).
This technique is helpful because it helps to highlight that erections do, in fact, come and go and that they can, and should, be a natural part of sexual interactions. Physical arousal waxes and wanes, ebbs and flows. It also provides new meaning to soft penises in sexual interludes – they no longer signify the end of a sexual experience, they just represent a good time to “re-adjust” to something else enjoyable until both parties are relaxed enough to return to penile stim. In time, a non-erect penis during sex will come to be less frequently experienced, sometimes expected, and no longer feared.
Filling the Void: The Effects of Withdrawal on Relationships
At some point in your life you have likely been prescribed some sort of medicine – modern miracles for whatever ails you that are conveniently available at the local pharmacy. Once you have received the prescription, there are many methods in which the active ingredients can be delivered – pills, drops, creams, sprays, soakings, inhalants, and for those less fortunate, suppositories (to name a few). A particularly interesting method of delivery is the syringe. Coming in various sizes they are made of plastic or glass and hold liquids. Some have the added bonus of an uncomfortable hypodermic surprise. To use the device, one simply inserts the open, front end into the liquid and pulls back on the rear plunger. Then, like magic, whatever is on the other side of the opening is pulled by vacuum action into an empty chamber. It is a simple, but effective, design. As I was given my yearly flu shot, I found myself admiring this modern marvel and also found myself reviewing the similarities between the syringe’s action and how certain unhelpful communication dynamics play-out in relationships.
Imagine a couple attempting to manage an all-too-familiar conflict in the relationship. The clash could be over finances, vacation plans, or how best to handle a parenting challenge. This disagreement has been had before, perhaps more than once. One partner wants to have the conversation (most likely the partner initiating the dialogue) and the other partner gets upset by the topic as well as with the way it’s being presented. The upset partner seeks to avoid the disagreement and, feeling hopeless about a positive outcome, ‘withdraws’ from the process. Perhaps the withdrawal is obvious, such as leaving the room or even the house, or maybe it is more subtle, such as emotionally ‘shutting down’ and disengaging from the discussion.
Now, imagine the plunger in a syringe pulling back and you will begin to see a similarity. The other partner is left feeling abandoned and may continue with the disagreement in their own mind, adding in all the negative/undesirable qualities and characteristics of the withdrawn partner. In their abandoned state, that partner may also fear the ending of the relationship, even saying out-loud something like “well, we should just break up then!” or “I want a divorce!” These words are extreme and likely hurtful when said to the other person in the heat of such a moment. What has happened is that just under the surface of the relationship lay anxieties and uncertainties about the relationship.
Once the “plunger” withdrew, it pulled into the vacuum what was just below the surface – unprocessed fear, anxiety, paranoia, and blame. The mechanism of withdrawing actively pulls out the worst fears and deepest resentments in the abandoned partner, filling up the empty chamber with even more hurt. If that hurt and disappointment remains unresolved, when the withdrawn partner re-engages in the relationship, it effectively pushes all that hurt, fear, paranoia, and upset back down below the surface, only to be pulled out again the next time the “plunger” is withdrawn. This repetitive cycle also leads one or more partners to ask “what’s the point of trying?”
The journey towards relationship fulfillment asks us to confront conflicts with courage and consideration. It is natural for many individuals to avoid conflict in relationships or lash out when feeling abandoned, either out of fear or hopelessness. To continue along the path of valuing relationship wholeness and righting injustice (real and/or perceived), efforts must be made to correct those unhelpful ways of communicating. The following are a few tips that couple’s have reported as being helpful in resolving this unhelpful dynamic of emotional escape and abandonment:
Make the relationship your priority. Withdrawing from conflict may feel like the only way to “win” a disagreement. Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.
Focus on the present. If you’re holding on to old hurts and resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Resist the “vacuum pull” to fill the empty space with old hurts and blame. They are a product of fear and paranoia. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.
Share your feelings. Even if you can’t readily identify what you’re feeling in the moment, say something. Some couples find it helpful even when the withdrawing partner states “I don’t know what to say or what I’m feeling right now and I need a moment (or ten) to figure it out.” If you can identify your feelings, take the risk to share it. It is more difficult to maintain a disagreement when feelings replace the criticism and blame.
Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Criticisms or threats of ending the relationship out of anger and fear are unhealthy ways of dealing with the emptiness. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.
Commit to trying out these alternative ways of interacting in a disagreement and you may find that what was once “bad medicine” can soon become a healing balm in your relationship. .
Revitalizing Your Relationship Rituals
Imagine with me, if you will, the life of a relationship. Perhaps this relationship is fairly new – less than one year – or maybe it is more long term. Each partner cares deeply for the other, and truly wants to keep the spark alive between them. Without knowing exactly what to do to keep the intimate energy flowing, these partners chooses to “take things as they come” – meaning that they don’t go out of their way to enhance the relationship. This could happen because they are afraid to fail, don’t want to “rock the boat,” or it could even be that they don’t feel creative enough to inject their relationship with regular bursts of novelty. This couple continues along at status quo, sort of operating on auto-pilot. Not really hitting a wall, but never really climbing any mountains either. Now, imagine a major crisis occurs within the relationship (a sick mother-in-law needs to move in for indefinite caretaking, a partner has an affair, one partner contracts a serious illness, the primary bread-winner gets laid off, etc.). In a relationship with little energy left, the temptation to “abandon ship” can be overwhelming, causing even some of the most loyal or committed to risk the open ocean alone rather than to continue drifting along. Even without crisis to drain the last bits of energy, the relationship described here also runs the danger of simply losing steam and puttering to a stagnant halt. With no new energy input, the relationship can only run on fumes for so long before a loss of interest is experienced. A person in this type of relationship may not even be aware that the tank is on empty, but they will certainly wonder where their joy in life has gone.
Even though the temperature outside is steadily dropping as winter creeps in, try to imagine a large empty jug in the hot sun. There is only a small amount of water available each day to add to the jug so careful thought has to be put into conserving the precious resource. Into this jug goes a steady drip of water – not enough to fill the jug before evaporating, but enough to keep a small pool at the bottom. Occasionally, there are teaspoon-fulls of water poured in and, even less often, tablespoon-fulls of water. On an even rarer occasions, an entire cup of water is dumped in. Eventually this jug fills to the top. Maybe, at times, it even overflows! There is plenty to drink and no one is left parched in the hot sun.
Intentionally invested energy is the life-blood of relationships. Like the water in the analogy above, this energy may be limited, but it can be conserved as a precious resource that will certainly come in handy when things get “heated.” Think of the many different ways and rituals we rely on to energize ourselves so that we are better equipped to handle the many stressors life sends our way. We practice deep breathing to ease stress, we take showers to ensure good hygiene, we check that the door is locked behind us to relieve a concerned mind, we attend church to nurture our spirit. The list could go on and on to include the many small, medium, and large-scale ways in which we work to provide safety, security, relaxation, and fulfillment for ourselves. Our relationships require the same replenishing attention in small, medium, and large doses. A simple tool I often give my clients to begin the process of rejuvenating their relationship with energy and life is the “DWMY” list. How this works is that each partner separately creates a list of rituals or tasks that they are certain they can commit to on a daily (D), weekly (W), monthly (M), and yearly (Y) basis. It is important to only include those rituals that can be reasonably done every day, week, month, or year for at least 6 months as the effects take at least that amount of time to be felt. Some of these rituals have included a passionate kiss every day, a “date night” every week, a night of intimacy every month, and a celebration of the relationship every year. These are just a few ideas but it is up to you and your partner to create your own rituals that you both feel will enhance and energize your relationship for lasting life and strength in times of trial. In time you will find that with daily drops, weekly teaspoon-fulls, monthly tablespoon-fulls, and yearly cups of invested energy, you will have the relationship that sails smoothly through the storms.
Lasting Limerence in Long-Term Relationships
Have you ever heard someone in a relationship say, “I just don’t feel the same way about them as I used to.” Perhaps you’ve said or thought about it yourself. This feeling usually refers to a sense of decline in romantic longing for and rewarding satisfaction with one’s partner. Typically, people in this phase of the relationship experience this decline as a loss. At this point, hope in the possibility of a lasting relationship may begin to fade. Our lives are bombarded with scenes of fiery passion, images of people making drastic relationship choices, and stories about people falling madly in love. It seems only natural that one would feel a relationship might not be “right” for them if all those elements are gone or have somewhat dimmed. However, while the popular focus may be on the beginning, infatuation stages of the relationship, the possibility for lasting, secure hope may lie further down the road.
To better explain this, let me briefly introduce you to the bio-chemical process of falling in love. “Limerence” is a term often used to describe the early stages of romantic infatuation and can last anywhere from 6 up to 18 months. Limerence is somewhat different for every person who experiences it, but it typically follows a similar trajectory and involves a number of friendly neurotransmitters (specific chemical messengers in our brains). Whether our interest is in finding a relationship or not, we may begin to feel our attention drawn to a certain person and our thoughts may drift to them more frequently than would be naturally expected. Soon after, we begin to feel drawn to that person and experience an irresistible desire to be around them when apart. We also may find that we feel better when around them and that everything in the world (and in our own life) is just fine. If the relationship involves physical intimacy, we also may find ourselves feeling energized and extremely connected. This experience is inescapably connected to a few essential chemicals in our brain that serve a vitally important function in helping us select and bond with our partners. Seratonin (the mood stabilizer) makes us feel grounded and happy with our limerent object while simultaneously causing us to think obsessively about that person when apart; Dopamine (the rewarder) causes us to feel satisfied and fulfilled by merely being in our interest’s presence; Norepinephrine (the enegizer) provides a “high” that can allow us to stay up all night talking and spending time with our potential partner while still feeling refreshed and alert the next day; and finally, Oxytocin (the connector) facilitates strong feelings of attachment. These nuerotransmitters synchronize to facilitate a “pair bond” – an attachment that allows us to identify, through feelings, who might be right for us. Most importantly, this bio-chemical process floods our nervous system and can only be sustained for a short duration (6-18 months) before the increased arousal damages our bodies or severely impairs our ability to function as a productive member of society. This flood of stimulation declines over time and allows us to move away from the bond-ing phase of the relationship into the bond-ed phase, where our thoughts and feelings are free to be applied to more productive areas; such as work, school, family, or scrap-booking perhaps.
What becomes problematic for many individuals in relationships is that “limerence” becomes the litmus test for whether a relationship should be discarded or pursued. When limerent feelings decline, as they naturally do, individuals may feel as though they are “falling out of love” with their partner. What they may not realize is that their body is simply returning to sustainable levels of arousal as a method of self-preservation. There are many messages in society that support the irrational belief that “good” relationships organically sustain high levels of infatuation and passion. If they don’t, well then, why even try?
What is rarely seen or represented in modern images of and messages about relationships is how intentional, strategic investment in a relationship can maintain feelings of limerence or reignite it once it has faded. Limerent feelings provide us with strong feelings of bonding with another person and it becomes our responsibility, as stewards of the relationship, to continue to invest in this bond in ways that allow the bio-chemical aspects of love and infatuation the opportunity to flow. One of the most vitally important strategies for re-deploying your friendly biochemical love messengers is to engage in exciting and novel activities together, as a couple. It has been said before, but here it is again – try new things! The experience of novelty and excitement found in novel activities stimulates the production of the rewarding and energizing chemicals in the brain. Most importantly, feeling this natural chemical stimulation with your partner, whom you care about, provides connection, intimacy, and new levels of bonding that serve as creative energy so vital to healthy relationships. Go rock-climbing, take a course in knitting, get dance lessons. Anything that will shake things up and challenge you both will do wonders for feelings of lost connection.
If you feel as though your relationship is in need of further care and attention beyond what has been offered in this article, it may be helpful to talk with a professional. As a steward of your relationship, seeking professional guidance is a way to honor and invest in what you have been given, as well as a way to find fulfillment and satisfaction.